Nobody gets away with more than children.
The cherubic innocence, the squeaky voices and lisps, the wet diapers - it's all an act. Children know most people won't slap something that can't control its own bladder.
And kids use it - the same way your lovable uncle uses his warmness as an excuse to hug your girlfriend a little too long.
The way I see it, children are just small adults who are playing stupid. They know they can squeeze a lot more out of us with a toothless grin and a face covered with "pa-sghetti."
At some point it became standard practice to talk to kids like idiots. We hunch over, smile and speak gingerly.
I have a rule when it comes to ass-kissing: If the other guy can kick yours, pucker up. I know from experience that I can take most kids, so I use my own style of diplomacy.
"You can't call your nephew an asshole," my sister tells me. The two-year-old is sobbing because I snatched away the tennis racket he had been whacking against my knee. My sister eyes me accusingly. When a baby cries, its mother gets bloodthirsty.
"Why not?" I ask her. "I call you an asshole." I realize how suspicious a profanity-shouting madman waving a tennis racket over a crying baby must look, so I toss the racket on a couch, like a smoking gun into a gutter. "Asshole," I add. "A baby can't be an asshole," she responds, whisking the brat away.
The demon peers out from behind my sister's shoulder, his adorable eyes bloodshot from faked tears. For a moment, a disturbing thought hits me.
I was once like him: three and a half feet of wide smile, bubbly giggles and a clear complexion. Was I once the same manipulative asshole staring back at me?
Then I realize - I'm still that manipulative asshole. This isn't a childhood phase; it's human nature to try to get away with things. Flirting with the bartender to get an extra shot of vodka in our drink, complimenting the boss to get that raise … "getting by" has a positive connotation.
The answer, I think, is identifying the problem early. We're giving our children too much leeway.
Parents: Don't give in. Let them cry. Hug them too often and they'll turn out just as disgusting as you are.
