(This is part two of a two-part column. Last Wednesday, we ran part one. To read the full story, visit alligator.org.)
One night, when Lizzy was sleeping at Nate’s place, Mara and Jessica stumbled into the apartment on either side of a handsome guy with short black hair. I was in the kitchen making eggs.
“We are going to get high!” Jessica said as she stumbled into her room. The handsome boy walked in after her, but I stopped Mara before she could follow. I asked if she wanted some eggs. For some reason, I couldn’t stomach the thought of her kissing that guy, although I didn’t really mind if Jessica did.
Mara and I ate together. I apologized for being so standoffish that first night of college. I invited her to come sit in my bed with me. Then, Jessica came into my room and crawled into the bed as well. Jessica told me she wanted to go to sleep, that she wanted the handsome boy to leave. He was using her bathroom.
I got out of the bed and waited for him to get out of the bathroom. I told him my roommates were drunk and tired, and it was time for him to go home. He didn’t protest.
I got back into my bed and stared at the ceiling with my two roommates. Eventually Jessica went to her room, and it was just Mara and me. We were close, gently touching toes, and I kept staring at her lips. I wanted to kiss her. I felt her soft skin rub against my arm, and she smelled like vanilla, and her hair looked silky and smooth. But she was drunk, she was my roommate and she was supposed to be my close, platonic friend. I told her I wanted to go to sleep, and she went to her room.
I struggled with romantic feelings for Mara after that. Every day I fell a little harder for her. But I kept my mouth shut. She started seeing Donovan, a pretty blonde senior. As they got more serious, I tried harder to suppress my feelings. I planned on moving out at the end of my lease Aug. 1. I applied to transfer to UF, and I got in. I became distant. Sometimes I could hear her and Donovan having sex in her bedroom.
One day in June, Mara and I were sitting on the couch in the living room smoking pot and watching Food Network.
“I’m in love with you,” I said, without really thinking about it.
Mara told me she wasn’t going to leave Donovan.
I couldn’t sleep. I smoked cigarettes. I drank. I wrote songs. I cut a couple of slices into my forearm.
Getting over somebody is difficult, but I would like to think it’s possible. I would like to think you just have to spend a lot of time avoiding that somebody. You just have to write some songs. You just have to get under somebody else. You just have to move out.
Aug. 1 came and went. I moved out. I’m dating somebody else. Mara is still with Donovan, but he joined the Peace Corps and is leaving for Senegal in October. The thought of her heartbroken and lonely after he moves to the other side of the world brings me a tinge of sadistic joy.
Mara called to wish me a happy birthday last week. She said she missed me, that she still wanted to be my friend. I’d like to think I’m over her, but then, I’m not sure if it’s that easy. I moved to a new city and got a girlfriend, but is that getting over it? Or is it just trying?
Jeremy Haas is a UF English junior. His column appears on Wednesdays.
